Thoughts and a dream
by PatriciaS
Summary: Ben's thoughts as he lies in the basement of 137 Southern Avenue waiting for death or rescue and the truth as well as his dream afterwards. Lizzy. Thanks for your lovely review,glad you enjoyed the story.
1. Chapter 1

AN. For all those looking in, I've reposted in separate chapters and tweaked it a tiny bit (no doubt found some of the old errors and put new ones in) but it's basically the same story as before.

Hope you will enjoy the revisit or first time read and as always would welcome your comments at any time.

**Thoughts and a dream ****by PatriciaS**

Sunset Beach and all the characters etc. belong to Spelling and script writers. Or are new ones my muse dreamed up and are mine. No profit is made out of this piece of fiction.

_All errors and omissions are the ones that have ducked every time I've looked for them so please treat them kindly and reviews welcomed._

Alternative ending to the story of Ben and Meg.

Ben thoughts while waiting for death or rescue in the basement at 137 Southern Avenue.

**Chapter 1**

Time never stops …. …

I feel so alone.

HE has taken my name and place in life.

It is damp and cold. I've no idea of time or date. Whether HE has killed them or been killed or living my life and has finally left me here to die.

The previous basement he kept me in had a dull light on all the time; this one has none, not even a hint from under the door to the rest of the building if there is any. That means I cannot have the pleasure of seeing my Soulmate's photo, which he'd left to taunt me in the other place and I have safe next to my heart…

I'm very hungry, thirsty and extremely tired so I close my eyes and draw her picture in my mind once again.

As I do so I hear in my mind two voices: Ricardo's and Hank's both telling me I could have done more, should have escaped and saved my wife, fiancée and son all that pain.

Silently I agree with them. But, don't know what I could have done. We all thought HE had died in the fall down that cliff into the sea….

HE must have known I was coming as it was over in moments and no chance of escape. Then came the pain of memories I have suppressed for so long being brought to the surface and along with the recent happier ones I cherish forcefully shared with him. And the continuing pain of knowing all of these have been used to draw them to him so he can successfully take my place… my life.

Then the waiting began, the hoping HE would trip up. And yet, if HE did, does, who would be in danger? And would there be other deaths as well as mine to add to the list.

I have tried to … … but, there is no hope of escape. The door is locked and the chains that are secured to the wall and around my wrists and ankles are tight and thick.

Perhaps it is better if they never know the truth of all this … and my wife and son end up a happy family with HIM being me as he planned. And my Soulmate, who was already looking for a quieter love when I left her for Seattle, will or has found it in her family and friends old and new. And this dark tomb is better than the terrifying confines of the coffin I found myself in the first time round…..

Some when I drift into a deeper warmer sleep … one I have never felt before and wonder if this could be the end… the final one…

I hear her calling me and see her standing before me.

But not as the picture I drew in my mind.

No, this time she is there with her long black hair being brushed by the wind away from her beautiful happy face. Around her neck are the pearls I gave her and she is wearing the wedding dress and looking out to sea. I look past her to where she looks and see the most stunning sunset and hear the waves crashing on the rocks below.

I recognise the cliff top; it's where I took her for a special picnic. I sat and watched as she lay on the ground pointing out the funny shapes in the clouds; we chatted, laughed and ate grapes, throwing and catching them in our mouths. Then we went back to the Casita - the place we sheltered from the storm months before and I found that I really loved her again. I always knew she had my soul, but for a while I lost the trust but found it again that night. And again that day of the special picnic when we made love I knew nothing else mattered. Not even when I found I had a son to get to know and love. With **her** trust, I knew we could be complete.

Suddenly I can feel her beside me, her touch and caresses, THAT connection we have surges through me and I know I'm safe: She is inside of me and I in her.

We are one.

My knight in silver armour on her white charger has found me. - I curl up in her arms as small as I can so she cannot drop me but keep me near her heart, which I hear beating in time with mine.

SHE is carrying me to safety.

My love, who everyone thinks I protect, protects me and makes me strong enough to face another hour, day, month: I don't know. All I know is I shall see her sometime in the future; if not here then on the other side.

If I open my eyes I will be back in the dark basement waiting for HIS final return or death.

So I will keep myself here in my dream still touching her, and the connection getting stronger with each second.

I want to call her name out loud, so I can hear it one more time hanging in the air before the end. But do so quietly, in case he hears and takes it all away by waking me and shattering this dream.

Instead I feel her fingers gently touch my face followed by a droplet of something landing on my cheek... Now another.

Should I open my eyes?

Will this dream so strong and warm, disappear into nothing?

Another droplet lands.

I must open them... I must see if what I feel is really true.

Can it be she **has** found me?

I hear her voice again, calling my name. I move my hand and find I am touching hers.

I'm brave and open my eyes and find I am looking into the face of my Soulmate. I hear her tearful laugh of pleasure. I try to speak but nothing comes - it does not matter. I feel her finger lightly on my lips.

It is so good and unbelievable…

Other hands help move me to one side and cut me free. I know I should move but cannot find reason or strength to.

She brings her face closer to mine and we kiss. I have not got the strength to show her how much she means to me but give her all the love I feel for her. She gives hers back to me.

The feeling is beyond words but not thoughts.

I am home and safe with her. No matter what happens in the future I know we will be together.

My Soulmate Meg and I.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

Safe within my Soulmate's touch and dimming light I recognise their voices.

Ricardo's, Casey's and in the distance Hank's as they call to each other.

Tired I close my eyes. Shutting out my Soulmate's beautiful face.

My chains are gone and they wrap me in something soft. Pressing my cold damp clothes into my very cold body.

Gradually I feel a little warmth start to creep in.

As they gently sit me up I lose her touch completely and with it my strength ebbs.

Pain rushes through me. I cannot breathe even with a mask on.

I gasp for air and only get a little.

I forget their help, as my mind tumbles. - It was all a dream.

HE returned.

Wrapped me so I cannot struggle and is moving me to my final resting-place.

I must not go meekly! I love HER too much! Need HER too much!

I feel HIS strong arms around me and am lifted up.

HER touch has not returned! SHE is gone.

I gasp again for air.

Voices mix together - I do not understand them.

It was a dream. SHE was never here! I must get free!

I realise it was just my last wish. - To be rescued by them. Be safe in HER arms and wrapped in HER love.

Feebly, with little strength I struggle against this thing that binds me and HIS strong arms which hold me.

A voice registers and cuts through my fears the words are not clear at first, then very clear.

I stop struggling as the words sink in and wrap themselves around me.

"... It's all right son! I've got you!... You are safe Ben! Trust me!"

They are said with command and gentleness of a father to a loved son.

It's the voice of the person I want to be my father-in-law - the man SHE trusts and loves above all else. The man I respect and understand.

I was wrong. I am safe. She must be near.

I gasp again for air and get some this time…..

I snuggle up into his chest trying to make myself small so he does not drop me. Taking all the strength and trust he offers.

Memory of another time when those words were spoken and my father carried me to safety takes over as I drift into to deeper darkness….

**oxoxo**

In the distance I feel movement and pain but cannot break the darkness around me. Something is pushed into my throat. I resist and choke.

Voices are raised…. Then Hank's voice returns telling me to relax not to fight.

I trust him and let it happen and air is pushed into my laboured lungs.

I feel her touch again; our connection gives me strength for a while.

Doors are slammed and as we move sirens are all around us.

Then I feel the deep warm darkness coming up to claim me.

I hear her cry my name.

I regret I cannot tell her that I love her and accept the gift her father has given me.

Even with their help I have no strength to resist it this time, and hope she understands I WILL try and stay.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

In my darkness I do not know time or remember words.

But, I hear my friends and Soulmate voices as they talk to me and hold my hand. Their touch and tones of love, friendship mixed with hope and sadness wrap around me giving me strength to return.

Sometimes I wake briefly and watch quietly, unwilling to speak or move - so little strength and so much fear.

I know I could not carry on if I speak and everything shatters leaving me back in the dark basement all alone again.

So, I stay silent hoping this is not a final dream and my strength will return.

The figures around me accept my silence and brief visits to their world and seem to say "No rush."

And I drift back down to the warm darkness.

But not for long.

They with their quiet words and soft touches will not let me.

**oxoxo**

Familiar smells and sounds of a hospital room greet me as I return again, from the warm darkness into awareness - stronger this time.

I feel warm, comfortable and breathing on my own.

In my mind are brief impressions of the rescue, Tyus and Nurses helping me, all pass too quickly to catch and stay.

I know this is not a dream. I am safe!

I lie quiet and slowly everything comes into focus.

Nurses working quietly.

Casey who sits patiently by my side is distracted by a movement out of my sight.

I hear my Soulmate come in calling his name; he rises and goes to her. I see love in their embrace as they greet each other; hear happiness in the tone of her voice as they talk, then laughter. Something on her finger catches the light as they carry on talking quietly together. She rests her hand on the table and I see rings on her finger. They are engagement and wedding rings.

Realisation sweeps through me like a tidal wave. Unstoppable.

I understand. - They are together - as they should be - as she wanted.

The love I felt from her was to rescue me, to give me life. As she would for any close friend in mortal trouble.

So I close my eyes before they realise I am awake and tumble into a mixture of thoughts and flashbacks of the first time I saw them in each other's arms.

_I am under South Pier in the rain, wanting her as badly as I did that night. Wanting to take her away from the pain to our Casita; mend my tattered feelings, her fading trust in me and prove to her our love is still strong, we could survive. _

_Instead I overhear her choice in the her words to him spoken in a tone of sadness. "I never want to hear his name again. My father is right he has only caused me pain and I don't want __**that**__ kind of love and heartbreak anymore." _

_Then they kiss with passion and I leave somehow without a sound. _

_The rain washing my tears, thunder and lightening echoing my breaking heart. _

_I make it to my refuge - The Deep. To sink into memories of her love and what I have lost with no hope to regain. Then the madness of my wife's visit and my desperate attempts to get her to leave before I disgrace myself and hurt her to. She does not leave and nor do I, because I have no where to go… _

_Early in the morning as if to prove her point of being hurt by me my Soulmate finds me there in the arms of my wife on the sofa in the office. She does not realise it was my anger, breaking heart and desperation that led me to take my wife in such a way and sin against them both. _

_She leaves too hurt and angry to let me explain. My regret and guilt tears me apart._

_Some hours later I visit Surf Central to ask her why she made her choice. I see their causal acceptance of their relationship and that I am just a friend not a partner to her. Instead of talking I hit out at him in jealousy and hurt breaking our deep and valued friendship. Worse scaring her, making her turn me away from her new home._

_Finally that evening when my Soulmate and I meet again under the pier, words only heighten barriers not break them down. As she walks up the stairs away from me and out of my life I finally try to tell her I cannot carry on. She does not understand my meaning and says we have been through it all before and there is no more to say. _

_Her tone tells me it is what she wants. I do not understand what has happened. All I can do is to wish her well. She has made her choice and I have to respect it. _

_I know I am at fault and should have tried better to make her see how deeply I love her but I lost her trust. I can't force her from her choice. She must come freely._

My heart breaks again as the flashbacks and thoughts finish.

Sadness engulfs me and in it I wonder where Maria is. I have hurt her so much; she offered friendship and support before I left for Seattle. Only to have it twisted and betrayed by HIM and his deception. And what of my son who's love has been so deceitfully taken by HIM.

I have not heard their voices or felt their touch.

I want to say I am sorry. Perhaps they are hurting too much.

HE has won.

I have lost my Soulmate and my family.

I feel too weak to carry on the fight now I know the truth and open my eyes for one last look at her face before I go into the deep deep warm darkness that I know awaits me.

I look into her eyes and she in mine. I see love and happiness.

She greets me and holds my hand. I feel the tingle of her connection run through me. I try to resist it and cannot.

Then she kisses me.

I feel her in me, giving me such strength and love - it's so much stronger than before. As if a key has unlocked her love for me and she understands how deep our love is.

But, I must resist. I know she loves him.

He has always been there for both of us and deserves the love she has to give and receive in return.

Whereas I cause her too much pain which will lead to the destruction of her love, family and possibly her life.

So, I gather up my strength and resist our connection - breaking it with love not anger. Hoping she will understand that I approve of her choice.

I feel her pull away sharply as she feels the break.

I slip down and come back again and slip again, as waves of darkness break over me.

I hear her call - **No!** - And screaming my name as if there was nothing else that matters in this world.

As if …. she is dying with me.

Why? - She loves him and his quiet love - his past friendship for both of us.

I hear his voice shouting my name - feel his touch - both are calling me to stay.

She joins him with her touch again and calling my name.

I visualize them standing together, supporting each other once again as they hold my hand.

Can I stay and be a friend to her - my Soulmate, who is now his lover and companion, - him my best friend? Stand by them as a friend to both and watch their love grow ... Blossom…

Should I ?

No. I would only come between them, give them so much more pain, memories and guilt, it is better this way. Let them grieve just once and now. They will carry on with their quieter gentler love and lives as they should..

I must tell them it is all right. - That I understand and want it. - It will stop, ease their pain.

**oxoxo**

The waves of threatening darkness stop and again and I start to surface.

I feel tears on my face and know they are not mine.

I cried mine a long time ago in the basement.

I open my eyes and see them - not clearly, their touch is more important.

As her hand runs over mine I feel two rings on her finger.

I am right they are together. I will give them peace.

My voice comes husky but clear as I say my farewell to her.

"Be happy with Casey, my love."

My voice fades, I watch her and feel my strength going.

She yells at me. "I LOVE ONLY YOU BEN!"

I stop and stay - The true feeling in her voice holds me in its grip as she carries on quieter and through her tears.

"You ARE my Soulmate. As I am yours. I did not understand before. I am sorry! When I saw you dying I felt a deeper love that is greater than the one for my family. I want to be beside you, in you, never be without you. I thought you were safe with Maria and she was your love. I was so wrong!"

I hear her heart breaking in her words and feel her put her rings in my hand and wrap my fingers round them as she says. "These are your rings, you put on my finger the first time. I want you to put them on my finger again when we marry! There are so many things you do not understand my love. Stay and hear the truth and live our dream together!"

Her words hit me, run through me. She understands our love. These are not his ring but mine, the ones I gave her. How long ago? What truth?

I must stay!

I was wrong!

My fear has made me weak - I am slipping out of control.

Mouth to mouth she kisses me - not good bye - but one giving me her strength and love.

This time I accept it let it rush through me come to my rescue once again.

I feel Casey's touch on my hand and his strength of friendship in his voice as it joins with her love - I understand it now - but slip into darkness as Tyus takes control.

His treatment is swift and as he works his words are reassuring. The tube slides easily down my throat, I welcome their help and feel the machine take over my breathing and continue to slip further down into darkness.

As I do, I think of her my Soulmate, of him my best friend and Tyus trying to keep me here. And know I do not want to go.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 **

I wake slowly this time, the machine is breathing for me, and realise I have no strength.

I sense her sadness all around me. Feel her hand on mine, the gentle tingle and strength of our connection.

I move my fingers to tell her I am awake.

She takes my hand gently brushing it against her cheek. It's wet from tears.

I know this is the end. There is no coming back for me.

I look deep into her eyes and see the sadness that mirrors mine. I feel her love in me and know she has mine.

Too late we understand and accept each other's complete love.

I must travel without her - my Soulmate.

She must carry on without me - her Soulmate.

I know I will be with her always - through her memories, in her dreams and at sunset.

For a moment everything disappears and I can see her sitting under the palm tree on the beach outside my house that first sunset our paths unknowingly crossed. I felt her presence and looking back saw her from the distance not knowing what that feeling was … now I do completely.

Tyus' voice is clear but again sadness is there and draws me back to now.

He takes Meg's place and beside him is a machine with keys for me to press. His words drift but I understand they need to know my Will and acceptance of a new heart should someone else died before me.

I feel no pain just tiredness and my thoughts are clear. If I can live because another's death then yes I will take that gift with love and thanks.

I am desperate to say the words I can only hear in my head and hope she understands them in my eyes so I write them first. "Meg I love you now and forever."

She smiles it's so beautiful, then mouths the words 'I love you too' back to me.

I gather up my strength and press the right keys then sign the paper of acceptance.

She sits with me again while Tyus explains me why I am leaving. Why I have no strength. …. Dampness and too many days left without food and water. I was so close to death when they found me. They managed to right everything but then the strain proved too much for my heart.

Strange there is no anger only deep regret that I cannot talk to them.

My anger died when HE left me in that dark basement. Before I had tried to escape and had hope. When HE left me for the last time I knew there was to be no escape.

For all HE has done to me and the ones I love, I cannot hate HIM. HE is part of me, and I was no angel.

I must know what has happened to them.

My next words on the machine - Maria, Benjy? - bring an uneasy silence in the quiet room.

I see the looks between my three guardians; Meg, Tyus and Casey. I know they are shielding me - a lot of things are not said. I know they care for me.

They say Maria and Benjy are all right but they don't come to see me.

Frustration and fear wash over me.

I hit the keys with all my strength - I NEED TO KNOW.

Meg nods but is quiet for a while then kisses my fingers and put my hand to her cheek again, I know her words are going to hurt I see it in her face, feel it in her touch.

Her words are hesitant when they come. "Maria left with Derek and Benjy they went willingly. Sweetheart... Benjy is theirs. She made love to Derek not knowing who he was the first time. But the other times she knew and stayed with him. She realised Derek had returned to Sunset Beach from Seattle and drove to warn you and stop him. She knew a phone call would not do. She really lost her memory both times. Derek pretended to Tess that they would meet up after he got the money and would leave Maria but he didn't. She waited then realised Derek had used her and never meant to meet her and rang Ricardo giving the address to find you. Ricardo is hunting them now."

The words hit like daggers piercing me. Pain of deceit, betrayal and a son who is not mine. My love of a son clouded my judgement, as they knew it would. I grieve for my loss and wish his son love and happiness. I should have known … HE always took things away from me.

Darkness comes suddenly, alarms sound and Tyus works quickly.

I rise from the darkness like a fountain from a lake. Knowing what I have to do. With her help I write a simple Will - leaving everything I own to her, with her family's and Casey's care. She gasps but accepts it. I know they will take care of my friends and guard my adopted family of Sunset Beach well.

I also know they have to find HIM first to get my fortune back, perhaps they will. I know Ricardo is stubborn enough to. Even if Maria is his sister.

I rest, then add a line to make her my next of kin giving her the right to say the final farewell. She shakes her head, tears flowing freely now, so I add another name knowing he will have the strength to do what is right. She smiles tearfully and nods her agreement.

The words stand out from the page 'I make Hank Cummings my next of kin and allow him to make the final decision. Signed Ben Evans and witnessed by Tyus and Casey.'

I finally accept what must come and write 'Father Antonio'.

Meg leaves Tyus to answer, his words are gentle "Antonio gave you the last rites when you arrived the first time we nearly lost you. I will ask him to come again if you wish. He's outside with the rest."

I can see it will only give her pain and I can do nothing but listen to his words and I know he will pray for me with the others.

I write "No but thank him for his support and prays."

Tyus asks if friends can see me. I know I am selfish and I type.

'No. Thank them for their kindness and love. Only Meg and Casey.'

I want my last time to be with her and her alone, and she needs his support. I see Tyus understands. I know Meg's parents will stay nearby; she will be safe in their love when the time comes.

**oxoxo**

When she needs a break Casey comes and sits talks to me of our past and his new found love for Sara. There is no embarrassment between us, our deep solid friendship is there again.

Meg returns they sit and chat about memories so I can just listen. She plays our favourite CD and memories of us together come and I drift into half darkness. Then she sits in silence and holds my hand, her touch is enough.

When I wake I watch her all I can especially when she slips into sleep. Her beauty stays with me when I drift again.

Her voice breaks into my dreams, I miss some, then I recognise the words she is speaking, they drop into the back ground as I am thrown back to when she stood next to me at the altar in the Mission. We are listening to her mother reading the words with all the feeling of a mother's love, respect and hope for her daughter's marriage and future.

Keeping the thread of the words being spoken and the sound of her voice with me I flash back, for a moment - _she is in her wedding dress, with her father, both walking towards me and I feel that my love for her is going to knock me out. There is the distraction of a door moving for a second, but then we lock eyes again and everything disappears … we are together beaten the odds. Through the haze I hear her father as he hands her to me. Meg and I hold hands looking at each other and nothing else matters we are in our own world. I can feel her connection rushing round inside of me and hope she can feel mine through her. Antonio's cough brings us back to the service... _

I am back again listening to the words not only hearing Joan's voice but Meg's they are both filled with all the love and understanding anyone can carry for one another.

"…I put away childish things. So faith, hope, love abide these three, but the greatest of these is love."

I open my eyes and watch her as she puts her rings in my hand and gently guides them so I put them on her finger.

Our connection is warm and constant. Her face is damp with tears but she smiles and speaks "I'm sorry for the times I ran back to Mum and Dad, for the mistakes we both made. Too late I know I love you with all my soul and heart. When we part I will remember you with happiness, you've given me so much strength. I will cry and be sad for a long time but family and friends will be there for me. It's you I worry about, who's going to be there for you. Perhaps you already know you've been so close and we have brought you back. Will you be safe for me?"

I remember the deep warmth of the darkness that awaits me and squeeze her hand as 'yes'.

I don't fear it, it's her loss I fear.

I feel stronger and raise my hand to her face; brushing it lightly. She smiles and kisses my hand.

I wish with all my heart that I could kiss or call her name. For now our connection says everything we feel for each other and that is enough.


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 5**

Suddenly there is noise, people moving quickly, phones ringing in the distance. Footsteps running along the passageway. Tyus giving orders mixes in with other voices. I can feel the excitement rising around me.

He comes beside me and holds not only my hand but Meg's as well. In his face I see a mix of sadness with a hint of hope and his voice is calm and full of sympathy as he talks. "I'm sorry Ben. There was a car chase, which ended in a crash. Derek was driving the car; Maria and Benjy were the passengers. Benjy is unconscious but not in danger; Ricardo and Gabi are with him.

Maria was killed out right and Derek was critically injured, we had him flown here. He has been declared brain dead but is being kept on the machine while another doctor does the check before we can use him as a donor. Usually it would go to someone on the list. But you are an emergency case and we know you both have the same DNA. He was carrying a card and I have checked with a judge and we can go ahead.

But, with everything that has happened between the two of you are you willing to accept his heart and live with it?"

His words hit home. Waves of loss and sadness go through my body and mind.

They gradually change to hope and irony - my brother who tried so hard to kill me will now give me life.

Can I live with it? To be with her. Yes!

But can my Soulmate live with part of HIM in me? If not can I say no as well?

Yes if that is her wish. I could not live without her love.

I look into Meg's eyes to see if there is hesitation - there is none just a nod of her head. Her eyes are bright with hope and love.

I gather up my strength to type 'yes I accept his heart with thanks'.

There is more movement in the doorway and Antonio is there, with him is Joan and Hank. He comes over and Tyus moves away telling him quietly "Only a short time. Teams are getting ready."

Antonio nods and holds my hand I try to express my sorrow I think he understands. His next words stun us both.

"Ben I know despite what has happened in the past you feel the loss of both Derek and Maria. I also I know the thing you and Meg want and deserve is to marry and time is short. With your agreement I can do it, I have checked with everyone all you need to do is to sign the certificate with Meg after the words have been said. You've both been through the ceremony before Joan and Hank can act as your witnesses, Sara and Casey would like to watch from the doorway. The Will and everything will still stand if needs be."

I squeeze his hand and then press the keys "I do want to marry Meg."

She smiles and says yes and takes her rings off and gives them to Antonio. She looks lost for a moment as she realises I do not have one. Hank comes over and gives her his but talks to me. "We will get you a proper one when you wake up. You have my blessing, I understand you're love for Meg. I accept your trust, I will not fail you." His voice has the same emotion as he had when he called me 'son' in the basement I know I have his trust as he has mine.

Meg sits on the bed so her hand can rest in mine and the rings are placed on the table beside Antonio.

Antonio makes the sign of the cross and says a blessing.

I feel at peace.

"We are here to witness the marriage between Meg Cummings and Ben Evans. We heard them give their love to each other in the Mission many months ago and know it is true today.

Do you Megan Cummings take this man Benjamin Evans to be your lawful wedded husband to have and to hold in sickness and in health as long as both shall live?"

"I Do." Meg's voice is clear and loving and I revel in her answer.

Antonio continues. "Do you Benjamin Evans take this woman Megan Cummings to be your lawful wedded wife to have and to hold in sickness and in health as long as both shall live?"

I squeeze her hand then his. Antonio says "Ben has indicated yes."

He takes the rings in his hands and gives one to Meg and as she puts it on my finger he says "Take this ring as a sign of Meg's love and fidelity in the name of the Father Son and Holy Spirit."

He gently puts the other ring between my fingers and as I push it on her finger he says. "Take this ring as a sign of Ben's love and fidelity in the name of the Father Son and Holy Spirit."

She takes my hand and squeezes it smiling through her tears.

Antonio carries on his voice catching slightly "By the power invested in me I declare you husband and wife."

Although I feel my own tears and emotions, amazingly the machines giving me air and monitoring my heartbeat stay steady.

Our connection is stronger and Meg seems to blossom before me with added confidence as our love is joined as it should have been on that first wedding day.

She raises my hand to her lips and kisses it. Keeping it there touching her lips, our eyes lock, we sink into to each other - joining. Our tears of joy and sadness don't matter.

In the background of our feelings for each other Antonio says quietly "I give you Meg and Ben Evans.

We are one at last.

We gently break apart to receive a hand shake from Hank and Joan, in both their smiles there is love and hope. Antonio sits with me so I can put my name on the certificate, he hands it to Meg and the others to sign. I see sadness in his eyes and know it's for his sister, he seems to understand my unasked question and says quietly to me "I will say prays for them on your behalf and see his ashes are scattered with hers in the garden of peace. She was with him because she wanted to be and not through fear or force. The rest we will tell you later."

I squeeze his hand in thanks.

The nurses who have been here through out stay in the background. Our silent guardian angels.

My wife and I are left alone.

I feel frustrated I cannot talk to her only and hold her hand. Suddenly that is enough and I relax enjoying her beauty.

Time stands still for both of us but moves on for everyone else and movement starts around us.

I feel the missing then racing heartbeats take over my body and giddiness. I hear her voice call Tyus then my name.

Footsteps come closer, hands move me. I feel her kiss and her words "I love you Ben. I'll be here when you wake."

Her hand grips mine - I feel the surge of our connection. I try to squeeze it back to try and reassure her, hiding my fear that I could reject HIS gift and never see her again. - I know she will be safe.

I take what strength I can from our connection before it is broken.

Hearing Tyus' voice grow distant … my last thoughts are about my brother being with me and my Soulmate - wife waiting for me.

I feel the drugs go through my body taking over my fuzzy thoughts of her and go down into darkness with them and as I do something deeper emerges.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

While he sleeps …..

We have existed since conception - in the first cells - when one became two and onwards. We were with and in them in the womb, recognising and knowing them.

Though he does not feel us as such we are there in his blood and body - cells multiplying, mending, dying, renewing – we are his being.

The surgeons cut the veins that we usually run through, remove the heart that pumps us round his body. So we go through the machine and then back in - waiting keeping him alive.

They quickly and carefully put in the new heart then sew the veins to the ones we know and are our home.

A jolt passes through us.

We wait.

Another jolt and then a gentle beat and another and another...

We are then drawn slowly along the veins into and through the new heart.

So they will mend we carefully coat the joins and stitches that keep everything together and they will in time become one.

We will not reject it … we welcome it … we sense the sameness … recognise the oneness of the beginning and push on through the veins. Join in with the cells and blood that were there … Meld with them and become one again.

So as at the very beginning before we become two ... We are now one and will carry on.

His new heart is now our heart - one heart that pushes us round his body, to feed his brain and the rest of him. We are stronger now so we will mix and multiply, mend and carry on that circle of life … and all to that gentle rhythm of a beating heart … his beating heart.

And on to the Awakening

**oxoxo**

I hear her voice in the distance and for a brief moment see her face then drop back into darkness of sleep.

**oxoxo**

From the darkness I wake slowly….

Instinctively I check.

There is warmth around me. There is softness in the bedding I am lying on. - It is not the coldness or hardness of the basement.

I carry on upwards towards an unclear but constant bleep.

I try to move to find out what it is and touch softness around me.

Darkness is fading and recognition starts to come with one word. - Hospital.

Flashes of memory come and with it some knowledge - I have my brother's heart.

I feel it beating strongly giving me strength.

It feels right.

A new beginning. He is here with me, standing beside me where I always wanted him to be, not against me as he was.

Suddenly I feel her touch and our connection surges through me kicking me upward to the light of wakening fully.

Slowly almost cautiously I open my eyes - wondering if it will disappear.

No! I see her face; she is looking back at me. Her eyes sparkle with tears.

Happy tears … I want to brush them away and gently try and lift my hand to her face. She understands and holds my hand to her face and wipes away her tears for me.

The dampness on my skin feels wonderful.

I try to speak nothing comes; a flash of fear and memory of the machine helping me to breath is over whelming. She quickly but gently puts my hand against my mouth as if to prove there is no tube there.

I am breathing for myself. I feel strength returning with each breath I take while I am watching her.

She moves slightly and takes a beaker with a straw - childhood memories of squash through a straw on a summer's afternoon with family and friends flash quickly before me as I drink the cool water. I feel it dampening my mouth and throat enabling me to speak.

I call her name - the first bit does not sound just the eg sound.

She laughs.

It sounds so beautiful I let it wash over me then try again.

"Meg" it comes out husky and bitty even to my hearing.

She smiles then gentle says "Hi Ben, you forgot the most important part."

I look at her trying to remember, flashes come, but all are mixed up I gently shake my head knowing she will tell me.

Instead she takes something from around her neck and holds it in her hand then takes mine. I see rings on her fingers and memory slams back into place. She carries on gently slipping the ring on my finger saying, "I give you this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost." Then kisses it on my finger.

It is my ring this time not Hank's.

I wait till she looks at me again and say. "Thank you, Meg Evans."

My voice is a husky whisper but she smiles. Delight written across her face, that new confidence is there in her every movement; she is there for me as I for her. This is our new beginning.

"That sounds good Ben Evans." She say softly as she runs her hand up my arm then gently takes my face in her hand and bends down towards me and we kiss.

Gently - together feeling her love and my love mingle.

**Oxoxo**

"Come on you two. I don't want to lose him again thank you very much." Tyus' voice breaks us apart, he is not angry

She moves away but does not let go of my hand.

Tyus comes beside me. "Well Ben. All we need to do now is feed you and let your bones grow back together. How does it feel to have your brother's heart in you?"

The words bring home to me what has happened. The amazing fact of having part of him in me - more than that it's keeping me a live.

Strange thought comes how do I refer to it, his heart or mine. We were the same once so it's our heart, for me to keep safe so we can be together always. I feel fragile that I might fall a part if I move but at the same time I feel strength growing.

I'm not sure how to explain it, when I try my voice is weak and husky with emotion. "Strange, almost complete. Confused as well."

Tyus moves the bed so I am lying at an angle not looking at the ceiling all the time, and checks the monitors then nodding saying. "Don't worry this is the second time you've woken up. The first you just opened you eyes then went back to sleep. I trust you will do the same in a little while.

It's all right you will not fall apart if you move and your voice will come back. Any questions and answers about what has happened will wait till the next time you wake. You have a lot to accept, there's no rush... I think I will find you a cup of tea as a treat. Remember holding hands only for the moment. Ok!"

Meg laughs as she moves over to the corner of the room and switches the CD on, familiar music drifts around us. I revel in it, happy to get used to the room, the monitors, being alive and with her. She comes back, sits down beside me, and takes my hand, comfortable in our quietness together.

**oxoxo**

Tyus returns as promised. I sip the tea carefully and Meg steadies the cup. As it flows down my throat the taste brings back happy memories and anchors me to the here and now. Meg and Tyus notice my reaction and smile I want to explain to them and try, "It's been so long since I had some. I only had cold drinks. How long have I been away?"

The question is left unanswered because Casey is standing in the doorway he comes in smiling and stands beside Meg.

"Welcome back Ben. Tyus said I could represent the family crowd outside and report back to them in a minute."

"Thank you... I know you all have been here for me." My voice is a little stronger this time. My memories are clear of everything that has happened I feel the need to express bigger thanks than I can.

But he seems to understand. Moves to the bed and takes my hand. Our grip is firm in friendship if not in strength at the moment. He smiles and says. "One bit of news I can pass on, Sara and I have got engaged."

Meg's gasp of delight tells me it's the first she's known of it. Casey smiles then carries on "I asked her last night. We plan a double celebration, just the four of us with perhaps Joan and Hank, when we can get you out of this room and into an ordinary day room."

I see Meg is torn wanting to stay and wanting to be with Sara. I mean to say more but it comes as a whisper "Go" she smiles and leaves quickly.

We hear the celebration in the corridor and I realise just how many were there waiting, it brings a wave of comfort and tiredness creeps over me. My eyes are heavy and start to close. Casey stays beside me but calls her name for me; there is no anxiety in his voice, which reassures me.

I feel her touch on my hand, I am too sleepy to wake, her voice lovingly wishes me sweet dreams and she kisses me gently on my cheek. I take its warmth and gentleness with me knowing I will be stronger when I wake again.

My Soulmate - wife is beside me.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

I am thirsty and hungry; my chains restrict my movement I cannot reach the food and drink he's left me. And he stands silently watching my useless efforts.

My anger, frustration and fear rages through me making me yell at him. "You do not have to do this! At least talk to me and let me speak!"

Having broken the rule, he raises his arm, clenches his hand. I know it's cold calculated force when it lands - I've felt it before.

I hear the swishing noise as his fist and arm comes down towards me and know I will not be able to dodge the blow.

"**Ben.** Come on wake up! Your soup's getting cold!" Cuts in before the fist lands and the man and basement shatters and disappears into nothing.

As I come into awareness I realise I never knew his name or voice. And shivering as I feel a gentle hand on my hand I gradually realise the voice and touch are not my soulmate's but are her mother's and start to silently fret.

As though she instinctively knows I need her reassurance but too much fussing would confuse me she smiles and carries on talking. "It's all right Ben. Meg's asleep in the other room. Just shift over a bit and I can put a pillow behind you so you can sit up. The soup is on the table."

Grasping her words as I focus on her I feel shaky like a child coming out of a nightmare. And realise I am coming out of a nightmare … That I'm not in that basement … he's not there …. I am safe.

And the soup is in a mug and it smells good.

I also realise that everything is starting to look good. But feel afraid and unsure - rather like a child taking his first steps into his first school.

The soup is warm, tastes familiar and I know it will be filling. I also realise she made it for me showing and giving me her love and acceptance. I concentrate on the taste and enjoy it.

As I finish it I try to push away the dark thoughts that suddenly crowd too quickly into my mind and fail.

I start to choke as I try to breathe.

Without fuss she gently takes the mug then holds my hand, talking to me quietly. Her words do not matter; her tone is soothing and calming me down. I breathe steadier and my mind becomes clearer.

I manage to reassure her that there is no pain, just memories and questions.

So many questions in my head, as well as amazement and acceptance that I am alive. I don't know where to begin or even if I can. But then try to start as the need is too strong to stop.

She smiles and anticipates those questions saying gently "I will answer anything I can, and tell you why if I can't. There will be no lies or avoiding the truth. But, we must do it slowly you've been through a lot. You've got to get your strength back and you bones must mend. Your legs and arms muscles are weak but Michael will come and massage them for you... You look puzzled. "

She paused for a second wondering then carried on. "Of course you don't know. Michael studied to do physiotherapy and passed his exams while you've been away. He helped Ricardo walk after his stroke. You remember Ricardo's stroke?"

I nod getting used to the idea of time and what Michael has done.

She pauses to allow me to do that and then carries on. "Well, according to Tess you were kidnapped beginning of September, when you visited Seattle... It's been quite a time Ben .. today is 4 January 2000 and its morning but don't worry about exact time."

It hits me like a bolt of lightening, I had not idea though it felt like forever. I tried to keep a mental record but there was no way to tell day from night. There was no regular pattern to keep hold of and there were dark times in between, times when I knew I had been drugged so I would sleep deeply but no idea of how long. Only I was always hungry and thirsty afterwards….

Her hand still on mine and her gentle words break through my shock, "I'm sorry it was so long. I don't think it's wise to go into details on either side for now. I know your head is spinning at the thought of it. Keep in mind you are here, wanted and loved by a lot of people and especially Meg."

She sees a question in my face, memories flash I know Meg loves me. I just need to know what turned her to Casey. I want to ask but not sure whether or how to approach it then like the child I seem to be today I blurt it out. "I saw Meg kissing Casey under South Pier; she said she never wanted to see me again." My voice cracks up before disappearing just at the end and I realise she would not understand my statement. But she smiles and it's a sad smile and I wonder...

Her gentle exclamation butts in my drifting thoughts. "Oh Ben, you've lived with that picture all these months... No don't think of the basement that will come later... Let me explain the kiss you saw. It was because of Tess and Tim, they played a trick on Meg to make her think you had taken Maria to the Casita and made love to her there. Tess needed you to go back with Maria. You would not break from Meg no matter what happened so she had to make Meg break with you."

Feeling ripples of shock I manage to stay silent so she will carry on.

And she does "After Meg had been to the Casita she went to South Pier to think and to be alone. Casey went there to lick his wounds after the break up with Sara. We know you helped her that night ... thank you ... Meg and Casey came together as friends comparing wounded hearts and then they embraced in sympathy and kissed, which Meg realised was wrong soon after. It took Casey a bit longer, but he loves Sara as you know.

We found a letter Maria wrote and Tess has explained a lot. She admitted she pushed Maria into your arms the next morning by sending her to The Deep. With everything that has happened in your past with Maria and Meg you must having been hurting very badly. Meg understands and both of you will get past all this."

I stay silent, feeling pain for Meg, knowing how much I hurt seeing her with Casey. I also know she must have felt on one level it was to correct thing for me to be with Benjy my son. But also seeing me with Maria would have made it worse, like me turning the knife in the wound adding to her memories of Tim and his betrayal on their wedding day and sent her here to Sunset Beach looking for her dream and SB. She must have felt there was no way back and she had to move on. And I could not help her because I did not know… …

Feeling tears coming my mind suddenly jumps and memory slams in to one stunning statement. 'He is not my son!'

And ask hesitantly "Benjy how is he?"

Again I see sadness in her face and I suddenly fear the worse.

But then she cuts into my fears saying. "Benjy is fine. Well, a headache and a broken arm as well as the shock it has all produced. He's staying with Gabi and Ricardo…" then she hesitates.

I know she weighing up her words before carrying on, will stop if needs be, and listen attentively as she starts again.

"Maria's letter was her last wishes should happen to her. She wanted Gabi and Ricardo to adopt Benjy, and take their surname and not Evans. Maria believed Benjy was Derek's son not yours, I am sorry."

She waits as I try to take in the words. I cannot stop the tears that come quickly and I shed them quietly. She accepts them and makes no fuss. I want to know and understand and shakily ask "Why?"

She is quiet and I know she is working out whether to tell me or not. She knows Tyus is close and must realise I need to know cannot be left hanging, wondering.

She nods as she comes to her decision and carries on. "She explains in the letter. That you had been trying to have children for over a year before she disappeared with no success. She made love to you and Derek in the days before the storm and to Derek when they were in Seattle. The first time she did not know who Derek, thought it was you, but she did on the night of the storm. She was going to tell you about the affair and go off with Derek. But Derek wanted you to find them together, his way of hurting you. They had an argument in the studio and she hit him with the scissors, thought she'd killed him and went to find you. When she was knocked overboard and was then pulled away from you as you tried to rescue her she was washed up on the shore. And by chance Derek and Tess found her and took her to Seattle, his wound had been superficial and when she found she was expecting they brought up Benjy as a threesome and everything was fine till Derek decided to go after you again.

From Tess's statement it looks as though Derek had other plans all along. She believed he was going to leave Maria and take the money and make start a fresh with her. The fact she loved Benjy so much and had a past with Derek, he could threaten her to keep her in line.

Maria's loss of memory was real. By the time she remembered her life in Seattle Derek had returned, pretending to be you. She questioned him and he told her he took your memories because there were rightly his. He then tried to make a deal with you, so he could have her and his child back with part of your fortune and be left alone. You got angry and there was a fight and you were killed. He came back as you so he would not lose her or Benjy and as he was your brother the fortune was rightly his.

She believed you were dead. Did not want to lose Derek to prison for murder and didn't want to risk losing the money to the State as well as having Benjy in care because she could go to jail as well. So by keeping quiet she knew she could have everything. In many ways he became you and they loved Benjy very much as well as each other... I'm sorry Ben I know it must hurt." She finished gently.

Tears fall and I feel so angry. His gift is a two edged sword. And yet, there is a small part of me that is glad that Benjy knew his father. That Maria loved him not feared him and he found some kind of love. If only he had asked and not hated me so much we could have been together.

I wipe the tears with the tissue she's given me and nod to ask her to go on.

Her voice seems to sooth me as I listen.

"You and Derek both have the same DNA so we don't really know who Benjy's father is. Tyus said he can run some other tests on you later, if you wish. Whatever the results you know Meg loves you and nothing else matters."

I nod understanding her meaning ... Know I shall have them done.

She pauses for a moment then carries on. "Maria wanted Benjy to grow up free from the Evans name should it every come out that Derek killed you and took your place. She reckoned Benjy would always be associated with the fight between you and Derek and didn't want the past haunting him. Benjy's been told about Derek and Maria and knows about you. He's settling in with Gabi and Ricardo. And I know they will be happy if you want some contact with him but not at the moment because he has a lot to really understand."

I close my eyes for a moment trying to accept and understand it all, then my mind jumps again I open them and exclaim; "They need some where to live, the Loft's not big enough! They can have the house or sell it... It was in Maria's name and the money in her account will help."

Joan smiles and sighs and I realise there is more my brother has done.

I see she does not want to tell me but I've got to know. Frustration of the months of captivity and restrictions catch up with me, my words come out husky, broken and harsh. "**All of it Joan!**"

The monitor flashes then calms and a cough from the doorway catches our attention.

**oxoxo**

Hank comes in with cups of tea for us. I expect anger in his voice but there isn't any only firm commanding tone. "Ben you need time to catch up with the information. Don't blame yourself for things you could not control.

I know we haven't got along in the past; I hope we will work things out in the future. I know you love Meg and that is important. And we will be around to support you. Drink this and have one of Joan's muffins. Tyus is trying to feed you up don't forget."

He puts the cups down and sort things out.

I smile my acceptance and thanks to him and drink the tea. Strangely his words and the normality calms me, and I realise there is nothing I can do about what has happened. I have to accept it all, then pack it away and care for the future.

As I eat the muffin, memories of good times flash by. When I finish and rested for a few minutes I say firmly despite my weakness, "I still need to know."

His laugh is gentle and understanding then he comments. "You're stubborn. No wonder you survived... Okay on the understanding if that monitor goes off Joan and I get out of here before Tyus comes... He told us to treat you with care... Mind you he was grinning when he said it so I guess he knows you better than we do."

I have to smile at that and he stops for moment then carries on.

"You have to know what happened so we know what to do, and you can understand how we came to find you. ... Your brother sold the house fully furnished, so the new people would come in on the 30th of December. By that time we knew something was wrong anyway... We'd found you during the evening of the 29 December; actually it was Michael and Vanessa's wedding and reception.

Weddings around here seem rarely go right. Theirs did beautifully. Well I suppose with one hitch, her father was snowed in abroad and could not be there till the next day, so Tyus stepped in and gave her away. But the good surprise was her mother was there fully recovered from her illness. Michael and Vanessa decided to delay their honeymoon till the next day so they could all meet up.

It all happened at the reception just after the photos, but before the food and speeches. The Bestman and chief bridesmaid left at lightening speed without any explanation only asking everyone to stay around, that must have been a sight. I wasn't there Joan and Sara were though."

He smiles with relief now it was all over, then becomes serious again as he carries on.

"Back to the beginning as far as I was concerned. Ricardo and I were at the Shock Wave. Ricardo didn't want to be at the Wedding because Gabi was the other bridesmaid and they had a falling out. They have sorted things out and their marriage is solid so don't worry.

I was looking after the Shock Wave because Peter who was going to take the afternoon/evening shift dropped some plates and cut his hand badly and had to go to hospital. So Ricardo and I were putting the world to rights when he got a call from Tess on his cell phone saying that Derek had kidnapped you and you were at 137 Southern Avenue and rang off giving no other details. Ricardo did not know what to believe, as far we knew Derek was dead, he had been there when the man fell over the cliff. And you, Maria and Benjy had left on the 26 December to go on holiday to Hawaii.

Ricardo got Tess's number from the phone and was going to ring the station to get it checked when it rang again. This time it was the manager of The Deep to say a man claiming to be the new owner had turned up, and the manager of the Java Web was with him with their new owner. Neither of them had been told anything about the sales. To be honest we did not know what to think, you hadn't mentioned anything about selling up to anyone. Mind you, you and Ricardo kept clear of each other most of the time but Maria hadn't said anything either and he realised she hadn't been around much either.

He had a word with both new owners and they confirmed that you, sorry Derek, had sold the places over the internet, he answered their adverts for places, not the other way round. He even showed them round but told them not to say anything to anyone till they arrived to take over.

Hank gave a sigh then added. "I'll try and keep to Derek's name all the time instead of yours. But it's strange by just mentioning his name it feels as though we knew the difference and did nothing about it. And I don't want to call him by your name, because he had no right to use it."

I can see and feel Hank's embarrassment and nod my acceptance, he smiles and carries on.

"Well that decided Ricardo, because he was sure you would have said something to the staff at least. So, he rang Casey who was Michael's bestman and told him to get over to Southern Avenue with Meg in case Tess was correct. It's the estate left derelict by the earthquake. They left straight away without any other questions, luckily Casey had the rescue truck with him because his car had broken down earlier. And we went over in Ricardo's car lights flashing, but we did not inform the station in case it was just a wind up.

You see everyone knew Tess was due to leave Ocean Drive just after Christmas, but on Christmas Eve at The Deep there was a very public argument between Derek, Maria and Tess over a non-payment of a promissory note for a million dollars. In the end Derek agreed to give her a cheque on the condition that she left immediately. She pointed out she would have nowhere to stay so Derek got her a room at the hotel till the 27th. So we all knew there was bad feeling there.

We found the house, doors and windows boarded up as though no one had been near the place for months. We relaxed a bit thinking it was just Tess wanting to wreck your holiday. Anyway we started to break our way in, and then Casey came along in the rescue truck. Talk about keeping everything you will ever need in it. So we had the door open in no time. Then we searched the rooms and found no sign of anyone being there recently. But in the kitchen area Ricardo found a sandwich wrapper with dates 25 and 26 December 1999 on it and that started the detective's itch really going.

The only place left was the inside passageway that lead to the garage, which was partially blocked by some wooden cases. When we moved them out the way we found the door to the basement. We broke it down and found there was no light at all, it was damp and more old crates all over the place.

With dread we realised if you had been kidnapped over the holiday period or just before your trip to the airport, it was a good prison, no easy way out or to get attention. We called your name got no response so we walked halfway down the stairs using the torches to look over and around the crates. You were there half hidden by a crate near the far side of the basement. Lying on the floor curled up as much as you could chained to the wall and an empty bottle of water beside you... It wasn't a very big bottle... It could not have lasted long."

He pauses at the bad memory, it's written in the expression on his face, then he shakes his head to bring himself out of it.

I have to concentrate to make sure I don't fall into the memory, myself. He gives a gentle cough and carries on.

"My blood ran cold when I saw you. I did not wait till they got to you I ran up the stairs so the cell phone would work, rang 911 giving a special code Ricardo told me and then Tyus at the reception. Casey and Ricardo started to clear the way to you.

We had told Meg to stay at the top of the stairs, she was in her bridesmaid dress and we wanted to know whether you were alive or dead before she got to you. But she could not wait, she knew you needed her. I've never heard the realisation of love and a breaking heart in a call before. But I did when Meg called out your name and went to you.

It wasn't a loud scream; it was gentle with mixture of so many things in it, her desperation, love and command, and seemed to fill the room. Sent shivers down my spine. I knew then she had found her real love and she proved it by bringing you back from the brink of death. We could not wait for the paramedics to get there so after Casey cut the chains we wrapped you in a blanket and I carried you carefully to the front room. You so nearly did not make it but you did and that's what matters Ben.

The new owners of The Deep and Java Web have sunk all their savings to buy them. One's even sleeping on the sofa at a mates house because he cannot pay rent for a room. I don't know what you want to do about them they bought them in good faith but not from you. The people who bought the house are being put up in a hotel. A.J is dealing with that. Jude and Ricardo are sorting out your accounts."

I want to curl up away from all the people HE has hurt through his life/deceit and now his death. I know they will see him every time they look at me and remember the pain wonder if I am the same. I should have died, it would have been over for everyone.

My tears flow freely unstoppable.

In my mind I hear her call and feel her touch as I did in the basement and as then cannot ignore it - my Soulmate is calling me even now.

Though somehow in my pain I've gone to her mother for protection and I feel her arms around me and I rest my head on her shoulder. The love and care in her words wrap around and sooth me.

"It's all right, Ben. We want to you here with us. He took so much from you. He came back trying to be you with some of your gentleness and care. And he helped others in his death. He loved Maria and their ashes have been scattered together at the Mission. We know what he did and we don't want you to pay any more for his hate. Your care for friends and love for Meg is all we want. Let us help you come back to us complete and happy."

My tears gradually stop and I move slowly away from her arms and back onto the pillows feeling spent, exhausted but secure in her words. I look around me and see Hank looking concerned with Tyus beside him. I expect strong words from him; the monitor is bleeping quickly and slightly off key. I feel the racing beats of my new heart through out my body and I gasp for air.

But Tyus smiles and says. "Just relax. Tears and a mother's love are the best medicine, I'm sorry you found it all out at once. Perhaps it is better now and from people you trust rather than having it in bits and pieces later from anyone. I want you to sleep again. I'll give you something so you will not dream and then I will explain the rest of the story when you wake."

I know I've pushed things too far, I manage to breathe better and when I speak my voice is still very husky, bitty, "Sorry... "I cannot find the words I want to say so leave it with just then add. "Thank you."

My heart is steadying as Tyus carries on. "How do you want it, a cup of tea or in the drip? I can recommend the tea Meg took it beautifully and the chief nurse gave me one the other day."

I smile at the thought of anyone daring to do it to him; "Tea please." and try to hide the memory of Derek and the drugs.

Joan feels my shiver and squeezes my hand no doubt realising hidden memories and says cheerfully. "That was Terri by the way, Tyus found it difficult to let go after your operation, he wanted to carry on checking you and would not leave it to the others. So she led him to a quiet room explaining his tea was there because we were all in the corridor waiting for news. She knew she was quite safe doing it, told him what she had done after the first couple of sips. I think, he knew what she was doing anyway, they seem to have a special trust and she knew he would not sack her; she is the best nurse to look after you... Now someone will be here with you when you wake and music will be playing in the background so you won't feel alone."

Tyus quickly returns. My mind is still jumping from one thing to another but a couple come clear to me and I want them sorted before I sleep. My voice is husky, bitty and emotional as I speak.

"Hank would you see Charles and Ricardo sort out how much my brother sold everything for,.. I'll accept them as sold... I don't want to gain from his schemes... Pay them back if needs be, if under I'll leave it to your ideas... I take it there is some money left."

Hank smiles "Yes there is and Jude's got his fraud people looking into your accounts. I'll get Charles to look into the sales for you and when you wake you can finally decide... It's a lot to lose Ben they were your creations. Derek did not touch Liberty Corp. money in it was tied up too tight."

I take a sip of the tea hoping it will not knock me out instantly, then ask. "What do you mean Jude's fraud people?"

He gives a chuckle then adds. "Oh long story and for another time. Jude is FBI as well as a businessman. Now rest and get some sleep."

I finish the tea and feel relaxed but in control.

Joan takes my hand and gets my attention she smiles, her words are soft and caring. "You're sure you want to do this. You don't have to pay for Derek's sins they were his not yours Ben."

I nod and return her smile with confidence, not sadness, I realise I'm gaining so much more. My voice still sounds strange to my ears and emotional as I try to explain my fledgling thoughts. "My new beginning Joan. A new life with a wife and a family with friends I know I can trust, if you will have me."

I see tears come to her eyes as she speaks, again her hand gently squeezing mine. "Of course we will and with all our love. And if you get desperate Hank could do with another manager at the Shock Wave."

Hank gently laughs and adds. "Or of course there's Meg and Sara's shop but that's for another time as well."

Then his tone changes and he holds my hand. And when he speaks I recognise it from the darkness of the basement as he carried me to safety, and when I look into his face I see the love of a father welcoming home a new son.

"When I saw you and then carried you from the basement all my jealousy regarding your love for Meg fell away. I saw you in need of protection and love, your shield was down and I willingly gave it to you then and you took it. I will always be there for you and I know we will grow together as you get better. Become a family."

And then in a firmer tone added. "Now! Being the bossy father I am, you must sleep. Let Joan sit with you as you close your eyes."

I feel his pride, love and warmth, and my heartfelt "Thank you" comes out sleepily as the drug is catching up with me. He supports me as Joan takes the extra pillow away from me and then I relax into the rest and look at her for a moment slowly closing my eyes as the darkness with no dreams or thoughts comes to me, my breathing steadies down - to sleep


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Music drifts around me as I wake. Feeling her touch on my arm I open my eyes. Memories are with me as I focus. I shift carefully feeling stronger and not so fragile. I know I will be all right I'm no longer the frightened child. I feel secure in my memories and love in my future - a new adventure with help.

I see Joan sitting patiently waiting for everything to fall back into place. We smile at each other, then I wait wondering what time or day it is.

Her voice is gentle, loving, bright. "Morning Ben. We've let you sleep into another day... its 5th of January. Tyus fed you through a tube and your muscles were massaged to help you get better. So, are you feeling stronger, more with us?"

I realise yet again the length of time I've been away. I want to find out more about that time. Not through fear but to understand how I was born again … that is how I feel. I accept this new heart, feels strange knowing it was not mine but it is now. I know I may have to take drugs to make sure I keep it. That's ok I want it and the life it can give me. Its history is gone and I don't fear it. I know I have people's love and understanding and that is the most important thing. Theses thoughts take seconds and some of them I know are conveyed in my smile and my short answer to her.

"Yes. And thank you for being here." My voice is still husky but is solid not threatening to break up every time I use it. I feel ready for the future.

She smiles and carries on brightly; "Good! Breakfast will be here in a moment. First some soup again, my mother used to give it to us, and I to Meg and Sara when they were ill. Got them better quicker than any other medicine. They loved it anyway and I know you enjoyed it yesterday. Then scrambled eggs and toast a bit later as we are feeding you small frequent meals."

I watch her move away to bring the table and soup over. I make myself comfortable feeling stiff and sore in places but nothing too bad. I eagerly eat the soup but carefully so as not to lose any, every mouthful tastes good. I hear her gentle laugh of satisfaction as she pours drinks for both of us and then tells me everyone is fine and sends me their love.

At this point Tyus comes in and adds another cup of tea for himself, then sits on the edge of the bed. He is looking happy.

I have finished and sit back looking him straight in the eyes and say "Thank you for saving me." Those words can never convey what I want to say but he knows that, been there with other patients … bringing them back from the brink of death.

He grins and says softly. "Pleasure. But that was nearly too close. As for the operation I let the big boys do it, I watched over you in the operating room though and I was pleased to let them do it... We have a rule not to operate on anyone too close unless absolutely necessary. I knew it applied to me and anyway it's not my speciality, as you know I'm more a cut and run job, yours took time and special skills."

I smile at his words knowing just how much a caring doctor he is and feel the depth of friendship amongst them. And I am grateful for it, I always considered him a trusted friend.

Remembering what he said before I slept I ask. "What happened?"

There is a little pause as he weighs me up no doubt and then says quietly. "Umm Okay if you're up to it. This may jump backwards and forwards as I mix in what we found out over the past few days and what happened okay... Remember its Derek's doing and not your fault, if it gets too much tell me."

I nod and wait understanding what he means, and hear his very quiet comment. "You know the saying for the new year 'out with old in with the new'. You took that literally, but I'll come back to that.

And gave a gentle huff before he carried on explaining things. "Right. Derek, Maria and Benjy booked a flight to Hawaii on the 26 December, we know Benjy had a tantrum just before boarding the plane. The company were uneasy and a Doctor at the airport checked him and found he had a temperature coupled with Tonsillitis and ear ache so they had to cancel the trip.

From Tess's statement we know that Derek had already given her a million dollars and he was going to meet her in Seattle after he had liquidated everything and they would disappear together leaving Maria and Benjy here or on holiday with nothing. He'd told Tess you were dead and he used her past, infatuation of him and her love of Benjy to keep her in line. He made her buy the house here at Sunset Beach as a hide away for him if things went wrong. It was not till she returned to Seattle and he didn't turn up as planned she realised he had dumped her and thought you might possibly still be alive and at the house here. Hoping that was the case she rang Ricardo."

Tyus stops as a violent shiver goes through me and I close my eyes. Pieces of memory are forcing themselves on me. I hear Tyus' words in the back ground telling me not to silently relive what is happening but to talk my way through it and explain my thoughts - the pictures in my mind.

How can I? They are fragments and impressions. …They gradually come together … getting stronger. …And are frightening me to the core, even though I know they can't hurt me. They are in the past I am here, with friends in the present and have a future.

I start to try and do as he asks, my voice breaks up missing words at first but then gets stronger as those pictures make sense and threaten to engulf me. "I w.. kep... Seattle.. basem..t …unkn…w … time… then I am lying in the trunk of the car….and darkness. Garage floor, feel cramp from journey , drugs make me giddy, sick... too weak to fight or escape... Hear Voices... Derek's and someone ... possibly... man who kept me... Never heard his voice in Seattle... Then I'm dragged along a floor... Downstairs ... darkness... light flashing...hear female voice...Recognise it. Tess talking to Derek...Feel chains fixed around my wrists, ankles... Hear her laughter in the background... Things being moved around me... Then I hear her words in my ear but can't understand them .. But do hear Derek wishing me pleasant dreams … then their laughter as they leave.

I can also feel a familiar silent presence nearby... Know it is my jailer and he has left me a bottle of water before he leaves and shuts the door. ... There is complete darkness and I don't know why he did what he did. And wonder if Derek will return, that this is not the end it appears to be. In the distance I can hear thumping of more things being moved and know it is somewhere else in the building. … Then there is silence.. it is so dark .. there is no light at all... I can't not see, … dampness and cold creeping in...help me.."

"**That's enough Ben!** Come on back to here and now!..." Tyus calls out.

I hear his words but cannot. I'm still back there in the darkness feeling scared, feeling the cold and dampness creeping into my skin into my bones. And suddenly, I hear Tess's voice in my head again and its much clearer than what it was back then. Now it echoes in my mind, the tone of her voice telling me of her success as she says. "Derek and I will be together. Tim is waiting for you Ben. Poor lad thought he was going to play the hero and save you. He never was that bright so we caught and killed him, as we are going to kill you." And I hear the echo of their laughter fading away.

As I understand what her words mean I cry out in my pain and anger. "You bastards killed Tim! You had all you wanted!"

"**Ben!** **Come on back to me! Ben!**" Tyus' voice is commanding and this time I have to obey.

I shiver violently and open my eyes feel dampness on my cheeks and see where I am and the shock on their faces and I realise I've talked my way through it all.

Joan takes my hand; it's good to feel her touch it reassures me that it will be alright nothing has changed and her voice wavers with emotion as she speaks. "We've already found Tim's body Ben, at least we know why he died now. It's not your fault we'll tell you about it another day."

I nod my head, feeling sorrow for his death, even though I didn't like the man and I'm glad they found him. I know I will have to face it later but as she says not now. I wipe the tears from my eyes as Tyus tells me gently and firmly.

"I will explain to Ricardo that Tess is not the victim she claims to be and he will find out the truth. We have your jailer as well; he was already in custody in Seattle for drunken behaviour on 1 January so that was easy. He's not said a word since. Now you need to rest."

Tyus starts to get up to go, my voice is still husky but determined. "Please carry on don't stop now!"

I can see he is worried, I feel shaky in myself, but I must know the rest, now not later. He nods, then looks at Joan, I am sure she understands my need, I feel her hand tighten on mine, she smiles and he carries on watching me in a different way, as if to see whether I need a longer break. His care gives me strength; he comes to his decision and sits on the corner of the bed again, and then begins.

"Okay ... The whole idea was a family holiday for Derek as you, Maria and Benjy to get away from the pressures of people around them here. So no-one was expecting any contact from them and the staff were trusted to know what to do without checks from him. Carmen had voiced reservations about a holiday but that had been a while ago and to stop her worrying again they gave Ricardo the hotel number in case of trouble.

While Hank and Ricardo drove to check out Tess's story about Southern Avenue Ricardo rang a friend in Seattle and had Tess's number checked and the house it registered to watched. They later picked her up at the airport trying to skip the country. As soon as you were found Ricardo tried to contact Derek and Maria, found they never arrived at the hotel, so he checked the flight this end and that lead him to the hire car. He ordered a State wide call for the car and their descriptions, but kept it off the radio and TV stations. He did not want Derek using Maria or Benjy as a hostage.

Maria had made a phone call to Carmen on the 29th, it was left on the answer machine as she was out till very late evening. On it Maria explained they needed a new start away from memories here and had decided to sell everything and move to England. She would explain another time. Unfortunately they could not trace the call.

It was the 29th we found you and the next day you became deeply unconscious and kept threatening to leave us. Everyone kept talking to you and you gradually came back to us during night of 30 and morning of 31 but during the afternoon we knew the strain on your heart was too much. Back to the 29th when I arrived at the hospital the rest of the wedding party were there and we explained you were coming in but it needed to be kept a secret. So you became John Doe and no-one said a word outside the hospital till Vanessa and Bette wrote their stories in the newspapers.

We found out after the accident that Benjy could not travel too far by car so they had stayed in a hotel, in a town nearby and waited for him to recover. Early evening of 31, Derek and Maria decided to move. We don't know why perhaps Benjy was well enough to travel and it was easier for him at night or Derek sensed something was wrong we will never know.

Luckily a patrol car spotted and followed them, carefully so as not to spook them. For some reason along the straight road Derek suddenly accelerated and kept on going at speed, the patrol car followed at a distance but did not give chase. At the crossroad junction a car crossed from the minor roads at speed without stopping or looking. The cars met on Maria's side killing her instantly as well as the driver of the other car. Benjy was on the back seat behind Derek asleep, the car was pushed along the road and flipped on its side. Trapping and injuring Derek, he had head, neck and leg injuries.

The patrol officers radioed in and then everyone moved like lightening. I phoned the transfer team, the heart boys were already here treating you the best we could. So while everyone else was partying over to the new year we had our own fun and games we started on the 31 and finished during the morning of 1 January 2000. Tired but happy, we let you come round from the operation then kept you sleeping and feeding you through tubes till you woke and spoke to Meg.

You've accepted your new heart and gaining some strength. We will keep you here a while and monitor you and give you drugs. Purely on the medical side it's going to be interesting to see what happens, but as a friend welcome home Ben."

He smiles and finishes his tea. I rest taking it all in and I'm amazed how things

happened, all the people who have helped me stay alive. It makes me feel better and yet very humble, they wanted me - the person I've always been.

I feel Joan's touch of reassurance, and their love while they waited over me.

There is movement at the door Hank gives a gentle knock and walks in.

"You're looking better Ben. I've someone with the rest of your breakfast if you want it?" There is a glint in his eyes and a ripple of mischief in his voice. I feel a surge of anticipation run through me. The monitor just bleeps once higher than its constant beep and Joan laughs quietly and adds. "Down boy!"

Hank and Tyus both shake their heads smiling, then Tyus said seriously but the smile eases it "You have to stay calm. The nurses do not like the monitor going off half cocked. Deep slow breathing and relax as you breathe out Okay!"

As I do as I'm told he nods to Hank who calls out "Meg!"

**Oxoxo**

I feel Joan get up and move away but my attention is on the empty doorway and I carry on doing as Tyus tells me … breath slowly … watching waiting and she walks in, tray in hand.

Dressed in a simple shirt and jeans, with her long dark hair half tied back in a pony tail and her fringe does not hid her eyes which are bright dancing with love, and her happy smile … she looks oh so gorgeous …

And it's as if we are locked together … she is watching me, I'm watching her.

Her mother wisely takes the tray before Meg drops it. While I watch every move and step she takes towards me, nothing else matters. I can smell her perfume, hear her voice as she says my name… and it seems to drift over and around then into every part of me.

She is beside me and hitches herself onto the side of my bed so we face each other; we look deep into each other eyes and feel our connection as we touch. It is nearly over powering feeling her love surge through me as I did in the basement and then again when we married. This time it seem ten times stronger.

Our lips gently touch, our kiss is careful, loving not the rush of strong passion but of something deeper, longer lasting that will be there forever and a day. Our love wraps around us.

Eventually we break apart, and come back to the here and now. The monitor is bleeping furiously but Tyus and the nurse just stand and smile. Waiting just in case.

Meg still holds my hand, we are both breathing heavily gradually getting control of our feelings, our tears. There is no embarrassment, just love around us. The monitor starts to slow and goes quietly back to normal and Tyus says quietly but firmly.

"Okay kids that's enough for now. Breakfast, before those eggs go cold. Hand hold only and that kind of kissing very very occasionally. Another minute and we would have need a new monitor!"

Everyone laughs breaking the tension and Joan brings the table back over with the food. She smiles and holds both our hands, then leans across and kisses me on the forehead then Meg and goes to Hank. They smile at each other and leave before Tyus and the nurse do. I catch the look Tyus gives the nurse and smile to myself, perhaps it's catching.

Then I turn my attention back to my Soulmate - wife and raise my hand to her arm then slide it down to her hand and lift it to my mouth and slowly kissing her hand then her finger the one with the ring on it. I gently lower it and look into her face and add softly. "Hi Meg Evans, I'm Ben Evans care to share my breakfast and life with me?"

Her smile is deep with love and understanding, her voice is gently "Yes Ben Evans breakfast and life with all its ups and downs!"

As she feeds me, she gives a delightful giggle full of mischief, I try hard not to lose any food, or ask what is funny l know she will not tell me till I've eaten. She finally lets me feed her just the one fork full, my hand is shaking slightly, and my mind flings itself back to Santa Barbara when we shared our meals and danced together. I suddenly realise I've been too long in the memories and she is worried so I simply say, "Santa Barbara our time there."

She smiles and nods "We will go there again our honeymoon when you are better."

The thought clears my head of any memories, just expectations. It must be written across my face as she gives that giggle again. And her voice is so sexy with an innocent kick in it as she adds. "Okay but first you have to wash and get the strength back to walk again that's Michael's job."

For a moment I ponder her words there is something in them I've missed then I realise and start to go red, mouth the word "No". Her laugh has definitely changed it's so full of fun and everything I want and cannot have.

"It's all right Tyus has allowed Terri and I to do it. Hey! She bathed you when you first came in, and the other times as well. So she knows where everything is!"

"That's different I don't think I was a wake then!" I splutter as my voice starts to crack and fade out on me.

"No quite true. Okay, close your eyes and pretend your asleep then."

"Just you." I say and there's a desperate plea in my husky voice.

Terri's voice comes from the doorway it is soft and warm. "Tyus says no that would be too dangerous."

Tyus is behind her and from his look there is no support from him.

"Can't I just crawl to the bathroom?" I say hopefully.

Tyus laughs "No and you don't argue with Terri she's the one who gave me that cup of tea."

I look at her and smile then add, "That's one way of getting your boss's attention."

They both smile and Tyus says with half a laugh "On duty I'm the boss! Now let's begin. With luck you will be awake when Michael comes today." He pushes the trolley in then leaves with a wave having made sure the blinds to the corridor are down.

I watch Terri and Meg get things ready; and I cannot help this irrational fear/embarrassment after all they have both seen me as I am.

They talk amongst themselves and then Meg with Terri's help takes my gown off, careful of wires, tubes and dressing. I look at her and she tells me Michael and Vanessa have put off their honeymoon till I'm better and jokes it is because Vanessa wants the story and Michael needs the practice.

I know it's because of their friendship and I feel pleased for their support but very guilty but Meg brushes my guilt aside adding that Vanessa has her family back because her mother is fully recovered from her illness that caused the family break up. And now her father is here they are getting to know one another again.

As Meg gently sponges the soap and the warm water on my skin, washing away my fears, the past months, my old life. I close my eyes and revel in the tingle of her touch as her hand brushes my face and arms, making me shiver with love not cold. And there is Terri's careful touch and reassurance as she carries on, then gentle towels me dry. Meg brings out night clothes for me to wear, new shaver etc… a mixture of presents from others and things she has bought me. And I feel as though I am really starting again.

**oxoxo**

I lie back now it's over feeling slightly sleepy, warm and happy. Meg is by my side with cards people have sent me to wish me well. I watch her as she reads them out to me and decides how to answer them. She shows me a picture of Sara and herself in a shop, they both look happy and content. She explains about Sunset Sisters, I smile with her at her memories of painting and getting things ready with her sister for their opening and how it is doing good trade.

And I long to get to know this more confident Soulmate of mine.

She catches my silence and smiles then adds softly. "I love you Ben, thank you for staying."

My laugh is gentle as I realise the truth and reply. "I could not leave you... I want to get to know the new you, and find a home."

"We will. My apartment first, it's in town and quiet large, has a back yard and garden you can sit out in. I'll bring a picture of it for you tomorrow. But now just rest and get better. Promise me that."

Remembering Tyus' warning we kiss lightly. We break apart, she puts her finger on my lips and with a smile she gets her things. My mind is in turmoil so many things I want to ask, understand, and frustration I cannot show her the love I feel.

Knowing I have to let her go I silently I watch her every move as she walks out the room. She turns and with a wave and smile then disappears from my view.

And suddenly my strength is gone and I drift into sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Peaceful darkness changes to waking confusion ….

I see photos of Michael's wedding. Feel his hands massaging the muscles in my legs bringing new strength to them but also making them ache. And, hearing his gentle words of encouragement for the future only remind me of my present immobility.

Frustration quickly grows and grows …

I am still a prisoner!

My Brother! The Basement and my silent minder! The darkness of my death cell! I want to shout but cannot!

And now. The hospital bed I cannot get out of!

I want to see the sky! To walk with her by my side. To hold her, to love her!

I have to get out of here! … **They** don't want me to. I **can** walk out of here!

Consumed by that truth I make my move and my fingers fumble for the things restricting my movement but fail to get my freedom.

Hands grab my wrists and keep me where I am. They are careful but firm and the voice that goes with it seems to me to be full of anger and not that of the gentle doctor and friend I know.

"**Ben stop it!** …. **Come on wake up!** ….. **Open your eyes!**"

Totally confused … Sure I had been awake …. I automatically obey his order and opening my eyes I look straight into his.

He moves back slightly, his dark skin pales in shock as he still looks into my eyes.

I stay silent … suddenly wondering … Does he see and feel my anger and terror?

"Dam it Ben! You are safe now. All you have to do is rest." Tyus exclaims as he relaxes his hold on my wrists.

Frustrated I try again to get rid of this thing that still holds me to the bed, I cannot because he immediately holds me down again.

In full furry I yell at him "**I Am Still A Prisoner!**"

He keeps eye contact with me all the time; his voice is now a mixture of tired gentleness and strict doctor as he explains why I am like this. And though breathing hard and still angry I listen to him. … I have no choice.

"You tried to get out of bed last night on your own, without asking or waiting for help. We can't risk you doing it again because you will hurt yourself, so we have to restrict your movements. You understood it all when we talked to you and accepted our actions. Let me give you something to help you relax and adjust to your recovery."

I shake my head … I don't want drugs and I don't remember anything about that … all I feel are the rumblings for what I've just been through and the deep seated conviction that he doesn't want me to be free …. No one does!

He must see that because he carries on trying to convince me. "Restrictions of love not hate, Ben. You are not strong enough to get out of bed and walk yet aided or alone. The stitches and your bones have to heal a bit more, just a few more days to be sure and by that time your legs will be stronger as well and we can do it slowly."

I do not believe him … why should I. He has the power to keep me here forever. I know who I am; I am strong enough to walk anywhere! And am so angry I shout back at him. "**I AM! I need to with her!**"

I am feeling completely trapped and helpless. Everything is going on without me.

The room is small, has no outside windows. It's like of both my cells … then one door to the outside world that was guarded, locked, opened at their wishes not mine! Here everyone watches me through the door and observation window all to keep me in here and away from the world, my soulmate and the truth.

Then suddenly in my mind a small voice tells me it is not true. They have answered my questions, promised me I will get out of here. And, Tyus cares for me, has saved my life - I should be glad, quiet and compliant not boiling with anger.

Suddenly my concentration moves from him and I see my Soulmate waiting in the doorway looking concerned. But, it does not calm me or bring me back to reason.

I still feel trapped… immobile … helpless.

And the pain of loving her from a distance and getting nowhere is so bad! I know she is here, not a dream in my mind and still I cannot be with her!

Frustration rushes through me and I try again, this time kicking out with my legs that are still trapped by the bed sheets.

Tyus stays firm and holds me still and calls to Terri the nurse. I do not catch their words, don't need to. I look at him with boiling anger, I know he will drug me - take the easy way out so I yell at him in a harsh voice. "**No!** You can't! You are just like **them!**"

He shakes his head but keeps eye contact and says gently. "No drugs Ben. Just the truth. I was hoping we could leave this a day or so. You did well yesterday coping with everything in the morning and a short session with Michael in the afternoon. Have you wondered why we let you sleep so much?"

Catching the shadow of Terri as she starts to hand something over to him everything around me suddenly changes. And I instantly move my head to avoid the expected blow, from my brother, who is beside my jailer who is holding me down….

I hear a sound but don't recognise the words … All I know is my brother has come to take my memories away from me and I can not let him, but can not stop him either.

Terri's sharper second call of "It's all right Ben! No one is going to hurt you!" breaks the picture all around me and suddenly it is Tyus holding me not the jailer, Terri and not my brother, and I'm in bed not on the floor of the basement in Seattle.

I relax a bit but keep my eyes on him wondering if it is going to change again or become even more confusing…. Earlier I thought I was a wake then found I was waking from a realistic dream or nightmare with all the anger in me …

Slowly I feel trust returning, the world righting itself and I know he understands what I'm going through. And cannot stop the shiver running through me as I know I am back with them in the hospital and not the terrors of either basement.

While Terri moves carefully beside him holding whatever it was she'd raised in the air by her side so it won't set me off again Tyus says the next words slowly, firmly and gently. "I will release your wrists Ben, but I need you to stay still and calm. Your mind is very strong that's why you've come through all you have. But, now you are safe it's playing ticks on you and confusing you."

Realising what he says in true I nod to say I understand and he slowly releases my writs and I lie still … waiting, letting myself adjust and my breathing becomes better … slower ... Impressions have stopped racing through my mind. They are slowing down into some order and I sense movement from the doorway and watch Meg come and stop at the end of my bed.

I do not acknowledge her in case Tyus asks her to leave. … She is my goal … always has been.

I focus back on Tyus as he carries on talking, and realise he's taken the object from Terri. "I want you to look in the mirror. You believe you are as strong as you were before your ordeal rather than what you really are now."

Slowly he turns the mirror face towards me and I look expecting to see myself, fresh faced, bright eyes….

Instead I see my eyes are dark haunted/haunting with deep grey rings around them. My face is strained and my skin is pale not tanned as it used to be. And my hair has some streaks of white showing, not many just the odd two or three strands.

My hand shakes as I lift it towards the mirror and touch it. I see tears start to form in those haunted eyes, and feel them run down my cheeks while seeing them run down his. Suddenly I realise just how weak and close to death I really was, the strength I need to gain, and cannot stop the short shiver running through me or the sigh or gasp that escapes my lips.

"I am sorry Ben." Tyus words are gentle with a lot of understanding in them as he carries on. "I should have realised you needed extra care because of your isolation and the betrayal by your brother. I thought it would be enough to have people you love and trust around you to do things for you. It isn't because I did not realise it would make you feel so helpless as well.

I realise you need to have some control and achieve something solid. But, I cannot let you do anything that puts a strain on your new heart or your legs. If you fall the shock and injury could kill you."

I slowly nod my head as his words hit home and everything falls into place. My voice is frail through the strain, the word is barely heard. "Sorry..." I know now I have to wait, comply with all their wishes but at least I understand now, and they don't need my frustrations on top of everything else.

Tyus's immediate reply cuts through my thoughts. "No. Ben don't be. Your anger is right and in some ways good. You've been too quiet, though I did hope for a day or so before we had this rebellion. We will be moving you to a new room now all the equipment has been moved up there."

I must have looked puzzled because he went on to explain. "We wanted to give you a room with a view but also somewhere we would not have to rush you down a couple of floors if you had a relapse. So we've been converting a room for you, it will be ready later this morning and were going to tell you at breakfast. Some good news after a bad night."

Suddenly I feel lost, cannot think.

Meg's voice which is firm and loving catches my attention. "Tyus Can I?"

And I feel as if I have just walked in and interrupted their conversation, because they know what is going on and I don't.

I also realise I must get used to it and accept it; there will be so many gaps I cannot fill. Not only from the months in the basement but the usual ones of every day life … sleep and not being in the same room as everyone else.

Tyus smiles and nods then gets my wandering attention again saying. "If you promise to control yourself young man I will let Meg lie beside with you for a while. Remember nothing exciting, you are still plugged in, in several places and will remain that way for your own good. Meg, you make sure he does not misbehave. I do not want to rush in here in a few minutes time trying to bring him round again."

He paused for a moment and then with a sigh of amusement added "As you two finally brought Terri and I together. We, would like you as my best man and you, young lady as maid of honour at our wedding."

Surprised by what he is giving me and this news I look across at Terri who smiles brightly and nods eagerly, while Tyus carries on with a tease in his voice. "It's okay, it will be a while yet Terri and I will have to sort things out, church and work wise which will be a pain. And you two will finally have a photo together with smart suit and a long beautiful flowing gown, even if it is as best man and maid of honour." then with a slight huff in his voice added. "Of course Sara and Casey might beat us to it as you'll be their best couple as well. Think of it married twice to Meg and no photos of either one."

With memories of both weddings flashings through my mind I hear Meg's gentle laugh as she comes round the bed and then sits on the side next to me. And we watch Tyus and Terri close the blinds on the door and window so we will have privacy. They finish it so they are standing side by side and near the door and now no one but us can see them she leans over and kisses him. A short light kiss and he hands her a small package. She opens the lid so the box is in the palm of her hand and he gently takes the ring out and slips it on her finger.

They smile at each other and then back at us … each smile shows how much they love each other and then she opens the door and he waves to us and gently pushes her out the room. And we see them become Doctor and Nurse once again …

As the door closes and we are alone and I suddenly feel uncertain should I do this. Does she really want to or have I pushed her to do this. After seeing myself I wonder why she stayed or wants me….

She must have caught my thoughts as she could in the old days when we were really tuned in together, because she takes my hand and kisses it keeping her eyes on mine now I am looking at her. And those beautiful eyes twinkle with love and I feel that connection surge through me, giving me warmth and reassurance this is right. We both want it …and I hope somehow she gets something from me; because I seem to take so much from her ...

She breaks contact … eyes and touch … and quickly slips out of her dress and gets in besides me.

I shift carefully over to give her more room.

She lets me help her take her bra off and my emotions race as I feel her skin against mine. I let her hands trace the bandages that cover my wounds, feel her fingers and her body close to me. I breathe deeply to steady myself and breathe in her scent bringing memories of other times. Then we carefully kiss … light short kiss but with love all the same and she snuggles close to me. I can feel her body touching to mine, hear her breathing and no words are needed as we lie together.

Contentment washes over me and all pain and anger has gone, my faith in our love, that we are Soulmates and always will be … was right. I feel her in me, around me and I know she feels the same…..

I hear my name as she calls to me gently and I rise up from my deep contentment and open my eyes and for a moment I wonder where I am.

She laughs as she puts the cup of tea on the bedside table then kisses me, on my forehead. I prop myself up on the pillows and take in my surroundings and realise it was a dream.

I am in her apartment, in her bed with the sun shining through the curtains. I always think of this home as her Casita, because she bought it when she sold the one I gave her.

My memories and thoughts of my first week in this home fleetingly surround me. I feel her presence in every part of her Casita still welcoming me in to stay as I did on my very first day here. With her love, patience and care I've faced the outside world a couple of times and have been received back into it as a son-in-law, friend and a business partner with new ideas.

I am no longer that frighten person, stripped of name and life, trying to find himself, Soulmate and friends.

I know who I am, where I belong and who is there to help me through those nightmares and on to the steady ground of a new future.

Now she takes off her robe and slides in besides me. Her fingers gently trace my healing scars and asks gently, "Which one?"

I smile and am not ashamed to tell her. "My rebellion and the first time you came to lie with me as my wife in the hospital."

She runs her hand through her hair so I can see her face properly then snuggles up besides me resting her head near my shoulder and says softly. "Poor Tyus, you both had a bad night, but it turned into a better day, remember the sunset." I smile at the memory and her gentle giggles make me listen as she continues. "Still careful, but better this time. All the way and no sheets or clothes between us."

I know my dream might have embellished certain things but it's her laugh that gets me …It's so sexy and yet so innocent it drives me up the wall and hit's the spot. I wonder if she has always had it and I did not notice it or whether it was unlocked when she found out how much we really loved each other ….

It does not really matter and as I look at her I find I cannot resist it and join her laugh with my own. Her eyes glistens with pure delight and deep love, and I realise she hears the same thing in my laugh and no doubt sees pure delight and deep love as well..

I managed to stop for a brief moment to say one very important word. "Yes." not surprisingly it comes out soft and full of emotion.

Then I take a deep breath and letting it out slowly relax with it and then we start to become one.

I hold her gently so she is comfortable beside me and kiss her, feel her body next to mine. I run my hands over her body and feel her response and come to her. The tingle of her caresses combine with our special connection engulf me as I engulf her. And as we gently roll and tumble together our love wraps around us in pure feelings.

I feel weightless, in her as she is in me, among the stars, out of this world, somewhere soft warm and safe where nothing else matters.

Just the two of us entwining, enjoying and confirming our love and faith in each other.

For me each time it is better, deeper and I know it is for her.

Soulmates together forever… as it was meant to be ….


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

Walking with my soulmate I feel her hand in mine giving me strength as we get closer to them. The happy group are enjoying the sunshine by playing ball on the beach. Ricardo is throwing it carefully to Benjy so he can catch it and Gabi is near by watching and giving encouragement when needed.

I feel strange, I loved him as a son, now I have to let him go, let someone else have that love. The pain I felt when I found out Benjy was my brother's child not mine still haunts me.

Unsure I start to pull back; I don't know what to say to him, how will he react to seeing me. I know Ricardo and Gabi have talked to him, and it is Benjy's choice to see me. But it is always different when it actually happens.

Gabi calls as she sees us.

There is no going back, no quickly sneaking the other way … and Meg squeezes my hand giving me strength. So we carry on walking towards them and their attention is on us not the game...

I watch him as he now runs towards us calling out my new name. "Uncle Ben!" full of confident bright enthusiasm.

And I compare what I remember to what I see now. His dark hair, smile, and voice may be the same but I am sure he is taller, brighter and more confident than the last time I knew him.

My Soulmate's voice is gentle and for my ears only. "Do not try to pick him up Ben!"

I laugh and remembering reply, "He was heavy before wasn't he?" and know I wouldn't risk it now…

He stops in front of me and silently looks at me. Possibly taking in for the first time what identical twins means or whether he's being fooled … telling and seeing are two different things.

I look at him but then let my glance turn to include Gabi and Ricardo who have joined us and have not broken our silence but do smile a true welcome, which I return.

Then my thoughts and gaze are back with Benjy wondering if he is thinking that because I look like his father I should be his father and the whole thing is unfair and he wants his father back….

I feel he will be angry, and as my heart races I fleetingly wonder if any part of it is because it's Derek's heart or is it completely mine now. And suddenly I realise he will never be gone he will always be a memory for all of us and is hopefully resting in peace. Will never become the unspoken thing in the room.

With that thought I smile at Benjy knowing it reaches my eyes and hope it tells him I still love him. But I'm really not sure what to say, everything seems so loaded to what has happened between us and my twin, so just fall back on the usual greeting of. "Hi Benjy"

He still looks at me and then suddenly comes out with. "You are the same as Daddy was."

"Yes that's right. Identical means to look the same, but we think differently in many ways." I tell him gently and wait for the next question not wanting to lead him in any direction, this has to come from him and his need not mine.

He comes back immediately still looking at me as he always did with the trust/curiosity of a very young child and asked. "Can I hear Daddy's heart?"

There is a gasp from Gabi and Ricardo and I feel Meg beside me. But I'm not embarrassed as they might be and answer immediately. "Yes, of course!"

I crouch down so we are both comfortable, take off my jacket and undo my shirt and hug him close to me. Memories of his arrival at Ocean Drive, reading to him and many other times I held him close flash before me his head rests on my chest and he listens to the beating of my/his father's heart for a moment. Then in silent understanding we move a part a bit and with quiet words together I let him find the pulse point in my wrist and explain about the heart pumping blood round the body and he can feel it there as well.

His tiny fingers feeling the right place reminds me of the past again, of his tiny hands in mine when we went fishing and then I'm back to here and now and he eventually straightens having satisfied his need. He is still close to me and his head is level with mine for a moment, and he gives me a gentle kiss on my cheek, before he gently pushes to move away from me and says. "I can love you both now! Thank you." then softly "I'm sorry he hurt you."

I am totally amazed by his understanding and his love.

Though I want to hug him close to me again I let him go as he wants me to and he walks with a bounce over to Meg and he has a cheeky grin as he looks at her then back to me then says. "Aunties and Uncles give treats!" And immediately spins to include Gabi and Ricardo in that comment.

Meg and I laugh but Meg replies brightly. "That's why we are here near the Shock Wave so we can have fun, stuff you full of food then give you back to Gabi and Ricardo!"

His bright laugh along with the others is good to hear, and throws me back to childhood times. He has his father's laugh when he was really happy in the time before all the troubles began. And the sparkle in his eyes reminds me of Maria during those first days, months I knew her. Seeing them in him I feel their love and happiness rather than the pain and loss. In the way he reacts so easily to Ricardo and Gabi I know he is safe with them… will be loved by them. And I know I can release my love for him and become his uncle not his father ….

Fully dressed again I get up and we walk along the beach as a group. Benjy is between Ricardo and myself gently swinging our hands as he holds them in his and skips or walks. And when he talks about his parents and the things he has done or will be doing the pain lessens for all of us and we start to become a family of friends.

The sun is gradually setting as we all go into the Shock Wave for those promised treats and I somehow manage to slip back so Meg and I are the last ones to go through the doorway. And we stay on the threshold for a moment listening to her parents welcoming the others in with love and hugs and turn to watch the sun disappear a bit more over the horizon.

I gentle put my arms round Meg's shoulders and watch .. so many old memories crowd in along with the knowledge there are so many that can/will be made…

Benjy calling to us breaks the sunset spell and we turn and go in ready to enjoy the family gathering….


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

I stand over her as she sleeps, snuggled in her blanket, her short dark hair showing, I feel for her vulnerability.

The hospital room brings back memories of gaining strength from friends and family, starting to cope with the past and the future, first faltering steps and then out into the big wide world. And then to all the new memories of her Casita, home, family, working with AJ, a partnership with Ricardo and Gabi, Benjy and his new sister.

Also the warmth of my adopted family, who have seen me through anger, tears and happiness, and are waiting outside to give us all the love and support we will need.

She stirs restlessly opening her eyes. They are the big dark and beautiful eyes of a new baby, who is wondering what she is looking at and were she is no doubt now her warm world is gone. Even now she has her mother's beauty and casts the same spell over me. Her tiny hand waves in the air and her mouth opens to cry, such a little sound to start off with...

I gently touch her hand it is so small. Then carefully pick her up giving her all the support she needs and carry her over to her mother. She likes the movement but still knows what she wants. Her voice is louder and my gentle words stop it for a moment.

Meg smiles as I get ready to hand our daughter over; she has been watching my every move.

I place her in Meg's arms and watch them both as they find each other. A small part of me is jealous, because my daughter can get so close to my Soulmate, but it is gone in a second. I love them too much and know I still have her love. They are together quiet and content.

I sit and watch them, Meg smiles down at our daughter talking quietly giving her encouragement as she takes her food. After a while there is the little sound of complaint as Meg moves her from one breast to the other and then there is the gentle sound of sucking contentment again.

Meg looks across at me and smiles our eyes meet and I am again lost in her as always. Unconsciously I reach out and touch her arm making sure I do not disturb our child and feel the surge of our connection as we are linked …the three of us together.

I come back to the present as our daughter makes her presence felt and watch again as Meg looks after her, gently cuddling, rubbing her back, and giving her the support she needs. And we hear that expected burp and see that sleepy look and when she's nodded off I take her back to her cot. I kiss her gently on her forehead before I lay her down. Still asleep she snuggles into her blanket … so like her mother.

I go back to Meg and give her a kiss and say softly, lovingly. "Thank you."

She smiles back at me and I carry on. "For the best 18 months and our daughter."

She immediately comes back. "A pleasure and like wise!" The tone of her voice says so much of our love and happiness.

We sit together and in silence watch our daughter sleep.

I think of her and what she means to me.

She carries our love and happiness as well as the names of her grandmothers; the first, she will never know but was loved and is greatly missed. The second, she will love and respect as much as I do and lastly then name of her mother, my Soulmate who I adore and live for.

Meg's voice quietly cuts into my thoughts as she adds. "And the name of her father, who never gave up on our love, will be proud of, get strength from and will love forever as I do."

I realise I have said my thoughts out loud and I smile at her.

My Soulmate knows my thoughts, love and dream have come true.

There is a gentle knock on the closed door to our room.

Meg giggles and I give her a quick kiss then go willingly to answer it and get ready to introduce our daughter to the rest of her family.

**The End **

Thank you for reading this story and I hope you enjoyed it. As always I would love to know what you think of it so reviews are welcome.

Take care.


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